?

Log in

pa1ekaik0's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
pa1ekaik0

cara
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[
October 2, 2007
]
whoopsies. looks like i forgot about this thing. how many people out there legit use livejournal anymore? just curious. very few, i'm thinking.

i think livejournal kinda sucks. but i really like the idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings. its a bit heartwarming.

maybe when i have more time i'll write in this thing again.

cool.
most worthless post ever.
PEACE.
4 read reply

[
July 24, 2006
]
so its been a gajillion years? im currently dizzy and drunk feeling minus the good part of the feeling of drunk. did that make any sense? basically i got the shitty side of drunkness, plus the feeling of hung-overness, plus the dying feeling, plus ebola. so essentially: life sucks. i can't walk. what the fuck is wrong with my body? i went out and bought brand new eyeliner for nothing. i say this because i have decided that my body is going to condemn me to a life of sitting in my house on my couch watching Vh1 and History channel for all of eternity. I can hardly even stand to be online anymore. what is my life coming to???

i ate a cheeseburger today and MMM MMM MMMM was it tasty. my mom at first was like "do you want a sandwich from the deli?" an di said "no i dont really feel like a sandwich" and she said "so what do you feel like" and i said "something fattier" and i wasn't lying. its bad that i like such fatty foods. but i say "its okay" because i haven't had anything to eat besides an entire loaf of sourdough bread since i became ill.

i really want some olive garden right NOW!!!!! bring me olive garden salad and some tasty breadsticks! RAHHHHHHH!!!!!

i dont even think anyone reads this anymore. at least not anyone who would ACTUALLY bring me olive garden. so maybe i'll summon my mother to drive over there and bring me some. or MAYBE by tonight i will feel better and i will call someone and see if they want to go to OG with me. YEEEEEEEESSSS.

OKAY .. so i seriously am sad.

20 days, folks.

OOH if you're reading this you should comment and i will tell you about my going away dinner i've planned. I want you there. I DO!!! so comment!!! SO I CAN TELL YOU WHERE TO BE AND WHEN TO BE THERE! SERIOUSLY!!!!
2 read reply

[
July 11, 2006
]
i'm starting to get REALLY sad about leaving. :(
don't think that i'm not going to go, cause i am. but i'm going to cry. a lot.
there may not be a ton of people i'm leaving behind...
the few that i am, are worth more to me than anything.
i have finally found people who really care and are true friends, and right when those friendships are strengthening - i have to leave.

i really WILL miss lincoln afterall.
0 read reply

[
June 28, 2006
]
as i was going through my transcript i found out that at one point in my high school career i was in the top 5% of my class. crazy.
0 read reply

[
June 24, 2006
]
man, anyone remember those days where i was obliviously blissful and happy as all get out? gah, those were the days.
1 read reply

[
June 23, 2006
]
there are so many wonderful events coming up in my life. i can't even hardly wait. its just so exciting.
that whole thing was typed with a certain emphasis in mind that mimics Linc (one of the kids i sit for), he is too cute.

anyways those events!
next weekend is 4th of july celebration/robyns burfday celebration at her lake. lots of swimming/tanning/skiing/tubing... aka best time ever.
the weekend after that is the teddy geiger concert at linoma. lots of music/swimming/tanning... aka an awesome time.
july 13th/14th is my orientation at ku!... aka a very highly anticipated event.
on the 16th is club roxbury to do more robyn burfday celebration lots of dancing like its nobody's business... aka funniest and funnest thing ever.
sometime in july i get my dorm assignment/roommate. nervous but excited. i believe that word is anxious.
august 11th is move in day at ku... aka the life changing event i have waited all my life for. it will be the best thing to happen to me.

no words will describe how incredibly thankful, happy, and excited i am to finally be starting school. thankful comes first because its finally becoming clear how much is being sacrificed so i will be able to go to a school i picked. this change has been years in the making but i was sidetracked significantly and blew a lot of great opportunities for nothing. it will cost my parents thousands of dollars, lots of hours, and a lot of stress. i wouldve given up but i know (and they know) how important and nearly necessary this is for me.

welp. im enjoying the new dashboard c.d. and ermm... i have a cute outfit to wear tonight. and um, thats about it. im going to see v for vendetta w/ muh schmoo. and maybe tracking down nick. and maybe eating some good foods and pretending that its muh burfday for some desserts. yep yep.

down into my belly.
0 read reply

[
June 20, 2006
]
i guess someone really is looking out for me.

yesterday the lady from Fernando's called to tell me I didn't get the job because i'm leaving in a few months. this made me both really pissed and really sad. i mean i dont usually get upset over getting a job cause i hate to work anyways but this was a different situation. and i was sad. very sad.

but today is a new day and without even applying, without even asking - i have a job. a lady contacted me this morning and i was recommended by an old neighbor of mine to be her kids NANNY. first of all i'm flattered that an old neighbor i rarely see would recommend me to a close friend to take care of her kids all summer. does this mean i have to read the nanny diaries now? its also coming out in the theatres so maybe i'll take the kids to see it one of these days. anyways, i'm not sure how much i'm getting paid (though these people do apparently have a nice flow of cash) and i dont know what my exact hours/days are (though i know that i will start at 8:45am) and i dont know how long shes expecting me to do this for .. BUT! The kids are 8 and 5, thats a tolerable age. Plus this is a job, and one that i can possibly have next summer. AND!!! I can still work on my Kansas residency while I work this job because I don't have to report working for them to the government!!! Isn't that fantastic! Not to mention if they really like to swim I will just lay out by the pool all day and get a nice tan and life will be good.

i feel blessed today. i didn't have to go through the hell of job interviews and searching and being turned down all the time. everything just fell into place. i'm a very lucky girl.
1 read reply

[
June 19, 2006
]
so my mom was drunk around 3pm this afternoon and im driving her car to walgreens and i'm turning into the parking lot but this dude is walking across the driveway at an extremely slow pace. we're both annoyed, finally, we can pull forward and as we're driving by my mom rolls down the window and yells ... "WARP SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the poor kid. it was the highlight of my life.
2 read reply

[
June 15, 2006
]
lately i feel like i have taken a gigantic step back.
"same old story, not much to say ... hearts are broken every day"


damn you, jewel. put me in these damn moods.
0 read reply

[
June 13, 2006
]
weird business going on lately. dont even know what to think about it.
i have a lot of things confusing me now but not complicating or overtaking my life.
i guess that is good, eh?
but really lets just be honest - i appreciate apologies but i dont understand? i dont really care either way. i just want people who have basically killed me to stay out of my life. is that all too much to ask? its like- you cannot make up for destroying me in every way possible by coming back and saying "sorry for that one awkward moment.." ?? uhhh yeah. not really possible. im kind of a forgiving person but there comes a cut-off point. ive reached it. im done.

i stayed up til uhm sunrise on the phone with adam. that is ridic. i mean how can i talk to someone for so long and still feel like there wasnt much headway made? i mean at least i know we can carry on a conversation for hours but its like nothing is being learned? oh well i guess last night was a step forward instead of a step back? so thats good?

im going poolside. seeyuh!
0 read reply

[
June 11, 2006
]
i like piano music on cloudy days.
i like times spent with people i love.
i have learned a lot this past year.
probably too fast to even catch everything i should have.
i wonder where all of me has been left.
i'm making a new improved self.
i have come to appreciate the real people in my life.
and with appreciation comes TRUE LOVE.
the love that brings laughing til your tummy hurts
and phone calls at all hours of the night
and wiener roasts :)
and happy faces and thoughts and life.
i guess there will be fleeting moments of doubt
unhappiness
uncertainty
fear
... but i can handle that.
i want the world to finally see me.
i dont care if they turn their backs,
thats cool. im down.
i know the things i need
and i know the things i want
most importantly i know the difference
needs: food, shelter, water, clothing
wants become a little more complicated
i want complete satisfaction and pride in everything i do.
i want to make someone else smile, or somehow make a difference.
i want to find someone who will love the ins and outs and inbetweens of me.
if you're there .. i'm a brick, so start drowning already.
0 read reply

[
June 10, 2006
]
i shouldve taken my medicine today. DAMNIT.
0 read reply

[
June 7, 2006
]
i will not let stupid boys ruin my good attitude and happy face. thursday is linoma beach fun happy time and i could not be more excited. well i would be a lil more excited if i had a better tan. but i guess thats also what the hwole trip is for so my excitement levels even out... as luck would have it!!!! you know whats funny is liking two guys who both have opposite qualities, both of which you like .. how simple life would be if you could just fuse people together into one person. that would be tight. kinda like in x-men when that one guy did the decoy thing and duplicated himself into a gajillion of himself and then he fused all of the himselves back together. YOU FOLLOW ME??? yeah i know you do.

i want to poke someone in the eye and brush someones eyebrows the opposite way. those two things are so funny to do to people. they always seem to get so pissed. lighten up, kids. its just an eye / brow.

one time my friend said "whats that thing called when you only have one eyebrow??? a unifrow?" and im pretty sure i laughed for a few whole days straight. and then i proceeded to pull my bangs over my eyebrows so it looked like i had a 'unifrow' ... infact, i did a skit in front of the class involving me having one. that was a sweet time.

one other time in the same class my friends and i wrote this fantastic poem regarding nature, thickets, and deer mating. i wish i had a copy to share with you all. its like some sort of poet laureate type business.
0 read reply

[
June 6, 2006
]
so its early. im hardly ever up at 8am and i realize why. goddddd. it gives me a headache and makes me feel like im back in highschool again. hopefully i will not have to arrange any early morning classes at KU .. because i will most likely fail those. so im sitting here eating some cheese, contemplating the meaning of life. well not really, more so just how things have been takinga turn for the better in the past few weeks. for awhile after things finally ended for good with chet & i .. i gave up that whole group of friends. i figured let him win his battle ... he badmouths me and tries to convince a whole group of people who LIKE me to hate me and i just wasnt up for fighting his wrath. fortunately some people dont just give up on me like that. and when people actually fight for your friendship, it becomes evident who your true friends are. taking into consideration my lack of real friends, this was something i really appreciated. each day i grow to love these people more and more. plus anyone who will cook wieners with me is a friend indeed. aside from my friendships ive really started to assert myself... more so than ever before. i'm doing exactly what i want and im not compromising anymore. i have full days of plans and fun times and enjoying whatever it is i feel like enjoying. i dont owe anyone an apology or an explanation. for once i am doing ME and if anyone wants to complain they can do it to someone else because i dont care. even the things that are confusing me or momentarily upsetting me arent getting in my wya, i'm simply going with how i feel. nothing feels better than being honest with and true to yourself. now i just really want to take a nap. and its only 9am.... i should still be sleeping.
0 read reply

[
June 2, 2006
]
this is said with zero sarcasm:
i am really enjoying life right now.
0 read reply

[
May 31, 2006
]
i got this pic back today in my film i developed.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
half of me is missing. i love and miss my puppy.

heres pictures from my grad party
Read more...Collapse )
0 read reply

[
May 31, 2006
]
you know how usually to start a puzzle you put together all the outside edges and then work from there? okay maybe im the only one who does that who knows ... lets just say that my puzzle of life is missing all of the outside edges. and my face hates me. so does my body. im getting ugly and fatty. of course this would align itself with graduation times and talking to new hot guy times. i want to spend the rest of the summer passed out on a lawnchair getting a crazy tan. i want the days to fly by. i want the counter on my myspace to say "1 day 12 hours 51 minutes and 3 seconds until College Times at KU" i dont know why i picked that time but i'd say that 1 day 12 hours 51 minutes and 3 seconds until school starts is close enough for happy cara. at least i feel better today than i did last night. thank god.
0 read reply

[
May 30, 2006
]
and i shall deem you 'fruitless endeavor'
0 read reply

[
May 30, 2006
]
i am writing this from my new laptop while at my new house where i have stolen someones wireless and it is working just dandy. i am so beyond happy.

moms also said she will buy me foods and bring my bed over here and i can live here by myself if i want to until the whole fam moves in. i think i may just do that. AHHHHH sooo excited. my life has finally started again.
1 read reply

[
May 29, 2006
]
i should PROOOOOOOOOOBably put forth some efforts tomorrow to find my wellbutrin because without it i have a huge appetite and thus i'm becoming a fatty again and also it makes me big bitch betty and crazy cara. no one likes that business. i think i seriously cried like 5 times today over insignificant things like my sister saying she didnt want me to watch a movie with her a her friend. this is what im like when im not medicated. and it is not pretty. and i do not like it. and my fucking bottle is missing. who steals anti-depressants? honestly guys, thats just cruel.

on the bright side, not taking my meds makes me tired all the times so ive been napping/sleeping A LOT!!!

good times, great oldies.
pick up laptop business tomorrow.
shop for clothes cuz im an addict tomorrow.
put myself in the poorhouse tomorrow.
feel ugly tomorrow.
find wellbutrin tomorrow.
apply for job at salon tomorrow. (my fave)

i have been feeling extra saddy over a stupid encounter i had a few days ago. why!? why do i let it get to me? why do i still care? and why do i miss it?! STUPIDDDDDDDDDDDDD TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! very pooped. very bummed. very disappointed in myself.

one shoudl stop caring when they realize it isnt worth it anymore!!! this statement is directed at me and my endless supply of hope when it shouldve been cut off like 9.35 years ago.

i really like this song. get it.
0 read reply

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]